i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
