she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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