You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
