ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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