After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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