cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
