I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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