you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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