i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
