I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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