ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I had to cum in my sink.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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