if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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