New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
