Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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