Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
