I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
