now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
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"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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