dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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