i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
