he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
