She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
