I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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