Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
