Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
