Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
