you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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