I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
