Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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