I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
