I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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