i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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