Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
