don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
