my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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