Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
