When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Rumble strips road head = magical
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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