I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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