i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
