I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
