I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
