One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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