I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
