dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
