i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
