drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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