I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
