And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
thus making me awesome and them whores
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
