Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
