i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
