did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
