Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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