I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
