Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
