That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
