After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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